Sponges

Today is the anniversary of my Mom’s passing. June 27. It pops up every year and for a few brief moments I am catapulted back to that tragic day where I lost my Mom and felt her indelible imprint all at once.

My mother was perfectly imperfect. She had a heart of gold, a fierce temper, a gorgeous smile, a wicked sense of humor, and a love that could move mountains. Anyone who knew her loved her. She said it like it was and was unapologetically authentic. She was my life compass.

I learned so much from her in the short time I had her in my life. 17 years and 9 months to be exact. I didn’t realize it then, but she was leaving a lasting imprint on me that would serve me well as I got older. And although I know there were things my Mom probably was hoping would not be imprinted, such is life. Children learn from what they see and hear. For any of the not-so-great moments my Mom had, her amazing, fantastic, unbelievable moments certainly outweighed the not-so-great ones. This is probably why I revere her so much.

Even when my Mom would get frustrated or impatient with me, I never once felt like she loved me any less. Sure…it wasn’t fun to be on the receiving end of her fury, but she got worked up so infrequently that when she did I knew there was a reason. Plus, menopause is a bitch and she was going through it towards the end of her life.

So much of what I do to make a home for my family and to raise my children is attributed to her; through osmosis or because she intentionally was guiding me. I observed my Mom intently and learned every one of her moods. I knew when she was happy and feeling good and when she was anxious and stressed; when she was at her best and at her worst. And for every mood, I responded appropriately. Her moods became mine whether she meant for that or not.

I soaked up my Mom like a sponge.

I am now seeing that in my Nico. He knows me so well. He pays such close attention to my moods and behavior that it has made me hyper-aware of how I present myself and behave on a daily basis. I have worked so hard to be an upbeat, positive, fun mom. I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, greeting my boys with our favorite morning mantra. I work hard to find a work-life balance so I can spend quality time with my men, big and little. I plan trips and getaways for my family so we can make memories together, and I try so hard to be the best version of myself every single day.

However, raising a son with autism many times means that all the above is met with indifference. Nico doesn’t necessarily respond in ways that let me know he is connecting with my positivity and heart-warming gestures. Nico tends to live in his own world and it takes a lot for him to connect with me or his dad and brother. I am struggling with this a lot lately.

I planned two weekend trips for us this summer and after sharing my plans with Nico, he simply said, “No thanks. I want to stay home and relax.” I was thrilled to hear him use full sentences, but totally bummed that he could care less about my carefully curated plan for summer family fun.

And because of his lack of enthusiasm, I have felt myself slip into a bit of a rut, which now he is totally cued into. He wasn’t focused so much on me when I was showing excitement over the plans I made, but as soon as I get melancholy he notices…and worries….and starts to overcompensate.

He picks up on tone of voice too, so if my voice goes from pleasant and upbeat to down-trodden and frustrated he is on me like white on rice. And then he, too, can become agitated and anxious. He will start to stim more and make whining sounds which always indicate his impending meltdown.

And it doesn’t help that my toddler has sucked the patience out of me. I have gotten to the point where everyday I seem to be raising my voice and becoming someone I don’t like….a full-on disciplinarian. I don’t want my kids to only see me like that. I want them to remember how happy I can be and how much I love to smile and have fun. But, I’m worried that they are internalizing my stress and impatience (which is honest to god just because my darn 3 year old refuses to listen) and only seeing me as that mom.

I know that’s what my Mom worried about in the last years of her life. She didn’t like that she was becoming so impatient and moody. That she wasn’t as happy as she wanted to be. I didn’t understand the WHY behind her shifting moods then, but now…as an adult and a working mother of two boys that are multiple years apart, with their own special needs and wants, I get why she seemed so exhausted and stressed.

It’s hard to constantly feel like you need to be “on” at all times. Happy and positive when the weight of life is crushing you. But, my children pay such close attention to me, especially Nico. And I am practically velcroed to my 3 year old so he is very in tune with my emotions as well.

They are just soaking up everything I say and don’t say. Everything I do and don’t do. They are learning from me everyday and it scares the crap out of me. Just like I internalized so much of my Mother’s behaviors, so will my boys.

I just hope they also see how much I adore them. How I literally think about their physical, emotional, and mental well-being every waking moment. And I hope they forgive me for when I fall short and lose my temper or patience with them. I never want either of them to feel like they are the cause of any of my not-so-good moments. My Nico already worries enough.

But honestly, parenting is no joke. Everything you do has an impact on your children. They are literally learning from you each and every day. And I find it so fascinating that even though we are all flawed, we work so hard to ensure our children wont be. Even though we know in our hearts that it’s not possible to shield them from this inevitable state of being, we still try so hard. That’s probably why I am always telling my boys to be better than their dad and me. Learn from our shortcomings as well as our shining moments.

I just keep reminding myself that some days we bat 1000 and then other days we completely strike out. It’s what keeps us learning and growing, and that’s exactly what I am doing everyday.

I am thankful I learned so much from my Mom. I soaked up everything she did and didn’t do. Everything she said and didn’t say. How she treated others, how she loved her husband, and how she raised a family.

And in so many ways, I am living a life that mirrors hers. I just hope my boys look back at their time with me, as they get older and become independent, and feel good about how they were raised. That’s all I ask.

I want them to have soaked up what it means to love unconditionally, forgive and start fresh, know when to apologize for your shortcomings, and live life to the fullest.

If they look at me and see all that, I will be able to give myself some grace. And, I’ll have hopefully made my own Mom proud.

I love you, Mom. Wish my boys had you to soak up everyday. Keep guiding me and keep loving them from afar.