A Peaceful Surrender

I’m laying in bed sandwiched between my 6 year old and my 13 year old with my husband sound asleep on the bedroom floor. They’ve all been asleep for hours yet I am still wide awake with my AirPods in listening to the same three songs on repeat.

My mind won’t shut down. My heart won’t stop racing. And my body has apparently decided it’s hosting its own private summer. I could chalk it up to menopause—since I’ve clearly dove headfirst into the deep end of this multi-year hot-mess express reserved exclusively for us women—but honestly…it feels more like I’m just in survival mode.

As I lay surrounded by the 3 most important human beings in my life, who I love more than there are words in existence, all I feel is unrest and exhaustion. And, yes, it’s because of them.

Each one of these men, big and little, consume my thoughts, my time, my energy, and my love. And, to be honest, I wouldn’t want it any other way. This isn’t a complaint. It’s just a fact. I have never known how to not be all-consumed by them. My heart is fully invested in each one of them completely. However, my body and my brain are sending me signals that I can’t ignore anymore. I say this because, like most women, we always ignore the signs that tell us to rest, to slow down, to say no, to give ourselves grace…to put ourselves first, but something inside keeps nagging at me to stop and listen.

And so tonight I have decided to really listen.

Man, no wonder I feel like I’m hanging on by one, itty-bitty bionic thread:

• My marriage is being tested. My husband and I are barely hanging on. Not because we don’t love each other, but because we have no time or energy for each other. We’re part of the 15% of couples who are holding on for dear life as we raise special needs children. The fact that the other 85% of marriages end in divorce breaks my heart but I can believe it. I just can’t allow it to include us, so I constantly think of how to keep us happy and connected. That’s where it can get exhausting though.
• Nico will almost certainly be with us for the rest of our lives. He is profoundly autistic and lives in his own world for the most part. I sometimes feel like I will never know how to meet all of his needs so how can I prepare for his future? Am I prepared even a little? Have I really thought about what that means? Do I have a plan, a real plan? And how do I ensure I can live forever?
• What am I going to do with my Maximo? He’s brilliant and funny and loving and seriously the best sibling for Nico but he needs so much of me. So much more of me than I ever expected or feel I can give him at this stage in my life. Does he feel that? Does he feel my exhaustion and is he internalizing it? Should I be pouring more into him? He is so smart. So inquisitive. So sharp. Am I holding him back because I worry too much about his older brother? Is his potential being stifled because I’m not exposing him to enough? Am I failing him?
• I obsess over what more I should be doing for Nico. Is he happy? Is he bored? Does he want more out of his life and I just can’t figure out what it is because he can’t tell me? Autism really sucks in this way. What really makes him come alive? If it’s music and dancing, how do I bring more of that into his life? Does he need all of this traditional schooling? What are the alternatives? Am I failing him?
• I’m stuck. I’m a full-time working special needs mom who is either feeling like I’m falling short at work or at home. When I’m needed more at home for my boys, I’m stressed out that my work ethic is being questioned and when I’m working my butt off to make a living I feel like my boys are being neglected…my husband too. Why are women held to these unrealistic expectations? Why is so much expected of us?
• I’m antsy. I want to do so much with my life still. I want to travel with my husband. I want to travel with my kids. I want to travel with my husband AND kids. I want to write books. I want to do TED talks. I want to help other autism families. I want to do research and be a part of research and help our world really understand and accept autism. I want to shout out loud that NOT everyone is on the spectrum just because it seems so vast and wide. We still have so much work to do in educating the world on what autism is and how to make space for this community of incredible individuals.
• I miss my parents. I wish I could ask them about my childhood. I want to make sense of all the struggles I had growing up. All the feelings and ticks I suppressed because it didn’t make sense to them or me. I want to apologize for ever seeming difficult or overly emotional or confusing. I loved my parents with a love they would have never been able to measure. My neurodivergence was never meant to be a burden and I hope they see that I am surviving and thriving. They did the best they could and it was more than enough. I just want to keep believing they are helping me with the boys and they’re proud of me.

And as I lay awake, I think about time constantly. How much more time do I have? It’s February. National Women’s Heart Month. I think of my mom dying at 49 of a massive heart attack and I can’t help but wonder…is that my fate? I see so much of myself in her. Or will it be Alzheimer’s like my father. I feel like my short-term memory is going more and more everyday. I know I’m not in top notch health (thanks menopause and Long COVID) and I’m probably not helping myself by staying up late overthinking, but I just want to know I have more time.

I actually wish time would stop. I wish I could just stay in this room surrounded by my three absolute loves frozen in time because I can’t remember the last time all four of us went to bed so peacefully…well, 3 of the 4 of us.

Despite what my head is telling me, I do feel at peace right now surrounded by them.

Peace is such a precious commodity these days and not just for my family. It’s lacking everywhere. So although I am laying awake, stuck in survival mode trying to quiet my brain, I am working very hard to bask in this temporary serenity. My sweet boys are at peace. Their brains aren’t exhausting them anymore today. My husband is finally sound asleep as well…his snoring tells me so. God knows he needs peace almost as much as me.

And..I know I’m one of tens of thousands of women who is just trying to survive right now and although survival is a relative term and means something different for everyone, it’s profoundly impactful and important to recognize. It’s one of the hardest parts of living. The only way I have ever known I was thriving was because I had just survived something, so I have to continue to hope, trust, and believe that I will be thriving again soon. We all will.

If this life has taught me anything, it’s to always have hope. To me, hope is the blind trust the mind surrenders to the heart each day. We must never let go of hope.