It’s the Little Things

I’ve learned to let go and not sweat the small stuff as much since Nico was born. I’ve also learned to look no further than the present as an autism mama, and it’s done wonders for my mental and emotional health.

I used to panic at the thought of Nico as a middle schooler, a teenager, an adult navigating the world without me once I’m no longer tethered to him, but all that was doing was blinding me to the amazing moments and milestones Nico was experiencing daily.

Don’t get me wrong, I worry every single day about Nico and if he will be with my husband and me indefinitely, but I’m trying to think bigger than that right now.

So…I have decided to not think so far into the future, knowing I won’t be able to predict it or plan for it, and I feel so much more connected to my sweet boy.

And with this shift in mindset, I have witnessed so many moments where Nico is trying to connect with our family.

I realized that all these years of him interacting with books and his iPad have been building to the moments I am experiencing with him now. Experiences that have led me to uncover Nico’s desire to communicate with the people in his life.

Nico is a Gestalt Language Processor. He has learned to communicate with his family through using words from the hundreds of books he has read, dialogue from the movies he has watched repeatedly, and lyrics from the countless songs he has listened to on repeat.

Most of the time, he scripts so I have become accustomed to him just speaking freely out loud to himself as he repeats what he hears and reads. I would not have even caught onto the fact that all of this scripting was building towards something greater (Gestalt Language Processing) if it had not been for my dad passing away last fall, and my desperate need to disconnect from the world a bit.

I have really struggled with my father’s death but have discovered that grief is not something that can be openly expressed as easily and as often when raising small children. They struggle too much seeing their mama sad.

So when Nico spontaneously brought up my father in one of his scripts, I was thrown for a loop.

Nico was keeping me company in our TV room upstairs, which was my dad’s bedroom the last few months before his passing, while I was tidying up. He began scripting, per usual, and then, as clear as day, he said:

“Grandpa’s room. Grandpa’s in the sky.”

I immediately choked up.

Soon after my dad’s passing, I felt it was important to share with Nico why he couldn’t find his grandpa upstairs in his room anymore, but I wanted him to know that his grandpa was not fully gone. So I told Nico his grandpa was now up in the sky, and when he missed him all he had to do was look up to the sky for comfort.

I sat down next to him, tears welling up in my eyes, and reassured him that his grandpa was indeed in the sky, looking down on him. He continued to script and then did something remarkable.

He started singing a Burt and Ernie (from Sesame Street) song called, “I Don’t Want to Live on the Moon.”

He had been playing this song on his iPad for weeks, but it wasn’t until I stopped and listened intently to what he was singing that I felt a wave of emotions wash over me.

As I was trying to help my sweet boy come to terms with his grandpa’s passing, he began singing:

Well, I’d like to visit the moon
On a rocket ship high in the air
Yes, I’d like to visit the moon
But I don’t think I’d like to live there
Though I’d like to look down at the earth from above…

It almost took my breath away.

Nico was letting me know that he knew where his grandpa was. His grandpa was in the sky sitting on the moon. After all, the moon is in the sky so why wouldn’t grandpa be sitting on the moon.

My sweet boy was using his imagination and all the words he has been collecting for years to communicate with me. That exchange will be imprinted on my heart forever.

I sat there crying, with my arms around my sweet boy, feeling unbelievably connected to him and my father. It was a pivotal moment in my grieving process and really helped me move from a sense of immense sadness to being more at peace.

Nico is so brilliant in that way. When you least expect it, he pulls you into his world and you instantly feel so in sync with him.

And that moment has been just one of the many moments where Nico has proven that he wants to connect with us.

Nico has been connecting with his little brother in the most endearing ways. When Max gets overwhelmed or has a meltdown, Nico goes to him, gives him a hug and kiss and literally mimics what I typically say and do when I’m trying to comfort Max:

“Awww…come here. Give me a hug and kiss.”

Nine times out of ten, this gesture begins to calm Max down.

He’s also slowly been inching towards Max while he plays with his toys and will call out what Max is doing.

“Bro Bro is building a skyscraper high in the sky. Don’t fall. Hang on, Bro Bro.”

Max loves it and will immediately try to engage Nico into playing with him more. Sometimes he’s successful and other times Nico will simply reply with his trademark phrase,“No thanks” and Max knows what that means. Ha.

Nico is engaging more with his cousins. He will come up to them and say, “I’m gonna get you” which is his way of asking them to chase him around the house. At first, his cousins were unsure what to make of it, but then when he’d start running away, while looking back at them with the cutest little grin, they realized what he was asking them to do. It’s been magical to see them interact so much more.

Nico is also learning how to communicate his emotions more effectively thanks to the movies, Inside Out and Inside Out 2. We recently took Nico to the theater —for the very first time—to see Inside Out 2, and not only was it a huge milestone for all of us, but it has been instrumental for Nico when communicating his feelings in the moment.

I was listening to music ac few weeks back and one of my father’s songs came on. A rush of sadness took hold of me and I started crying.

Nico recognized that my mood had shifted and I was now sad. He came over to me and pulled a line from Inside Out 2 to help comfort me.

He has been scripting a lot of lines from two of the main characters in the movie—“Sadness” and “Joy”—and so in that moment of my sadness, he recognized my feelings with dialogue from “Sadness.” But then, in true Nico fashion, he followed it up with a few quips from “Joy” and it instantly made me chuckle. He knew exactly how to comfort me.

Then, as quickly as he came to my aid, he left me in my newfound joy and resumed his own activities.

It’s these little things Nico is doing throughout the day that are making me want to savor every minute.

Not all days are filled with special moments, but because I am intentionally slowing my pace down, I am catching so many special moments.

My sweet boy is growing up before my eyes, and I want to be witness to all the amazing moments still to come. I can’t sit and constantly worry about what the future holds for him. I have no control over it anyway. Nico is guiding us on this journey. Not the other way around.

It’s all the little things that are keeping me grounded in the present, and the present is good place to be. I don’t want to miss any of these moments with my Nico…my masterpiece.